Why I Started Writing Again

If not my first, this would’ve probably been expected to be my second post, but who cares?

I’ve attempted to do this many times. I must have had started three (technically four) blogs on the web, and my most “successful”, for lack of a better word, was called “Opposing Bullshit”. Very SFW, that one was. So why try again? Why, when it’s so obvious that I as an online presence lack in staying power, when it comes to writing? It could very well mean that by even the end of the month, I abandon this blog altogether.

Blogging for me, has been quite paradoxical: Any of the posts that I wrote down are very public posts in the ocean the World Wide Web, they were incredibly opinionated pieces, and yet the only people who even knew of their existence were those that I could really trust. Very much like this post. And at the same time, I wanted to make just about enough of them to get me noticed in my spheres of interest.

Several months ago, I was asked by a team of filmmakers what I would focus on had I continued with Opposing Bullshit. Hell, I probably still could. I remember giving a vague answer. And to honest, I can be blunt (of course I can, it’s my own damn blog), I still don’t have a clue what specifically this blog is gonna be directed towards. What I promise that I won’t do, is try an imitation of Charlie Brooker, and be overly edgy or whatever the hell I was thinking when I was a 19-year-old writing that stuff.

So why am I doing this again? Well, as is a recurring theme in my personal life, Decembers, for any and every reason, tend to be dark periods for me. I still remember my father’s first nervous breakdown ten years ago. As for myself, it’s always a time where so many things go wrong or not as well as it could, among the multitude of happy pictures that my eye catches, makes me even more miserable, regardless of how real they are. It gets to the point that, in my feelings of inadequacy, I close down the accounts that my friends and peers can contact me on. I even, and not always in the most pleasant of terms, tell people not to contact me, unless through a select few means. There are those kind and brave enough to be willing to contact me, but I don’t know whether or not, I’ve become too much of a burden and pushed them away.

In experiencing feelings of alienation, I’ve willfully alienated from several friends believing that they’re better off without me, and will forget me, but these are lies that my mental illness has told me, and prevented good opportunities for me to spend time and/or communicate with people that I care about. The worst part is, I know they are lies, but in light of the things that I say and do, I’m also worried about the damage I might do to the relationships that I already have.

Ultimately, reading these: the first of which of is a series of tweets by J.K. Rowling:

It is these series of tweets that while didn’t take away the pain that I was feeling, encouraged me to at least write about this, and other things that I might be interested in. I don’t know if “astonishing fortune” is coming my way. But I do know that it’s much harder to find if I cut the treasures that I already have out of my life.

I’ve also taken the time to read this article. It’s been very helpful to read to try to same sense of what is real to me, and what isn’t:

https://themighty.com/2016/02/lies-mental-illness-tells-you-and-what-you-can-say-back/

This accompanying video was pretty good. Hopefully, it’ll do good to others that suffer from mental illnesses:

So, is this blog primarily going to be about my struggles with mental health? No, not exactly. But it is going to be a topic addressed here quite often…so long as I don’t abandon this blog like the last one. I started writing again because in the emotional nadirs, doing this at least keeps me focused. It’s one of the things that I can truly say that I’m good at, and that I hope to get better along the way.

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#blogging, #mental-illness, #starting-a-new-leaf, #writing